nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
