I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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