my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
