my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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