It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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