she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
