I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
