i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
