Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
