So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
