I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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