Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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