Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
