You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
