I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize