meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
