I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
