I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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