sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
