Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
