I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
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It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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