Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
