After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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