don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
