i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
