Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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