ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
