She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
