Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
