College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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