Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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