I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
