I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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