college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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