EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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