The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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