I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
