life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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