I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
