once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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