you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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