Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
