rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
