turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
