you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
