Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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