My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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