I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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