I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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