i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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