she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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