I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
