Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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