i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
