I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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