I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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