My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
