the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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