So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
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Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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