The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
