Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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