if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
